Connie’s Courage Page 19

  No, Rosa had not reacted at all well to the news of his enlistment, throwing all manner of accusations and insults at him.

  Harry had not trusted himself to make any response. At that stage, he had still not totally been able to take in himself what he had done, but he had been guiltily aware that his strongest emotion at the thought of parting from Rosa was one of relief.

  And his guilt didn’t just extend to Rosa either. Although she had not said so, Harry knew how his mother would worry.

  Mavis though had been more outspoken, ‘Harry, what can have possessed you?’ she had demanded tearfully, when he had visited the New Brighton house on his last visit home before going into the Army. ‘There was no reason for you to enlist, what with your chest and …’

  ‘No reason maybe, Mavis,’ he had stopped her quietly. ‘But I did have a need!’

  And, as he had spoken, suddenly Harry recognised, to his own relief, that what he was saying was the truth. Over and above his unhappiness in his marriage, there was a part of him that not only had felt compelled to volunteer, but that also felt proud of the fact that he had done so.

  ‘I don’t care what you say, Harry, I am not going to your sister’s wedding and you can’t make me!’

  There was a triumphant glitter in Rosa’s eyes, as she tossed her head and added, ‘You can plead with me as much as you like, I won’t change my mind! You didn’t change yours about enlisting, did you, even though I begged and begged you to!’

  The triumphant glitter had become a mutinous pout, and Harry’s heart started to sink. With hindsight he knew that he should have anticipated something like this, but naively, perhaps, it had never occurred to him that Rosa would punish him for volunteering by refusing to attend Mavis’s wedding.

  It wasn’t that he particularly wanted her company, he admitted guiltily. But for form’s sake she should be there. His mother would certainly wonder why she wasn’t.

  ‘Phyllis said she’d never heard the like of it when I told her that you’d volunteered, and if she and Gerald hadn’t been so good and kind to me and comforted me, I don’t know what I would have done. Gerald said that you’d never catch him leaving a wife as pretty as me to go and join up.’

  ‘I dare say he did, Harry stopped her grimly.

  ‘Beth is so lucky to have a husband like Gerald, Rosa told him.

  ‘I doubt that she thinks so, Harry muttered under his breath.

  ‘Oh, I might have guessed you would say something like that! You’ve never liked my cousin Gerald, and I think that’s because secretly you are jealous of him.’

  To his own shame, Harry was unable to stop himself from saying contemptuously, ‘Well, you could not be more wrong. If you want my opinion, your precious cousin is a sight too slippery for his own good!

  ‘How dare you say that! Gerald is charming and dashing, and … and more of a real man than you will ever be, Harry Lawson. Given the choice I’d far rather be married to someone like him than a dull, moralising stick of a husband like you! Gerald is a proper man; a proper husband!’ Rosa flung at him, wildly. ‘He has been far kinder to me than you ever have, and you are not to insult him!’

  Harry had remained stiffly silent during her outburst, but his own strong moral beliefs would not allow him to let Rosa’s remarks pass unchecked, even though he knew that to challenge them would result in a further furious tirade from her.

  ‘Your cousin is a man who cares for no one apart from himself. He lives off his poor wife whilst openly scorning her. He has led more than one naive young man into a life of drink and debt, solely for his own gain. He boasts openly of his ability to avoid any kind of moral responsibility or duty, and before you start to defend him, Rosa, I am merely repeating what he has publicly declared about himself. If you really think I would want to emulate him …’

  ‘If Gerald lives off Beth, then it is no more than you do yourself. For you most certainly live off me! And more than that! Do you really think that if you hadn’t married me you would have been elevated to your present position?’ she demanded scornfully. ‘Father told me himself that he had to plead with the Headmaster to make you his assistant, and that the Headmaster thought you neither educated enough, nor strong enough, to fill such a post!

  ‘I don’t know why I should have concerned myself about you enlisting, for I am sure that I

  would be better off if the Germans put a bullet in you and made me a widow! she continued bitterly. ‘After all, it is not as though your death would deny me the comfort of a husband, is it, or that I would really be missing anything?’ Harry could feel his shame burning him soul deep, but he still could not bring himself to use the same weapons as Rosa and remind her that their marriage had been forced on him by her.

  It would be so easy for him to retaliate; to tell Rosa that the reason he preferred to sleep with his back to her, and a cold space between them in their bed, was that he had never wanted her for his wife in the first place. But he could see no point in descending to such a bitter exchange of home truths.

  Rosa though had no such qualms. ‘I cannot believe what a cold man you are, Harry, she taunted him. ‘It isn’t natural for a man to behave so. I had wondered if it was perhaps on account of you having a weak chest and that normal marital relations might be too much for you. I am sure that if they knew the truth, no one would blame me if I were to take comfort with someone else. Perhaps I should go to the wedding after all, and tell your sister how unhappy your coldness has made me.

  ‘No! You will do no such thing!

  Harry knew that she was deliberately goading him, trying to incite him into exactly the denial he had made, but he still could not stop himself from reacting.

  Rosa stared angrily out of her bedroom window. She had been planning to go and visit her cousins, and now Harry had spoiled things by coming home on leave. It had taken Gerald to point out to her that having Harry enlist could be of benefit to them.

  ‘For I don’t mind admitting to you, puss,’ he had told her flatteringly. ‘I do miss you.’

  ‘You should have married me then, and not Beth!’ Rosa had answered him angrily, but he had soon sweet-talked her round, and besides, she had missed him as well.

  ‘Being a married woman will give you the freedom to do as you please,’ Gerald had told her, adding meaningfully, when she had frowned, ‘for one thing you could come and visit Phyllis whenever you chose – and if I just happen to be visiting her at the same time, well who’s to say anything? We are cousins, after all. And if, occasionally, I was to take you out for the day and we were to have to stay at a nice little hotel overnight on account of not being able to get back …’

  And that was exactly what they had done. Several times!

  And now Harry had gone and spoiled things for her by coming home the very weekend that she had planned to spend with her cousins. But thinking of the secret intimacies she had shared with Gerald brought something else to the forefront of Rosa’s mind. Gerald was always very careful, of course. But it would be foolish not to take such an opportunity of providing herself with some extra protection. If there were to be a mishap and she got caught out, it would be essential that Harry accepted any child she might bear as his.

  It was gone eleven o’clock. Carefully Harry put down the book he had been reading and stood up.

  The house was silent, everyone else, including his father-in-law and Rosa, were in their beds. Rosa had refused to speak to him after their argument earlier, apart from insisting that she would not accompany him to Mavis’s wedding, and had gone to bed shortly after dinner.

  Reluctantly, he went upstairs.

  ‘Harry, I am sorry that I was so cross with you.

  He tensed as Rosa reached for him, his emotions, like his body, shrivelled by her proximity.

  ‘Kiss me and we can make up, and I shall be good and come to your sister’s wretched wedding! It will be nothing like ours, of course. Why I believe she is to wear your mother’s old gown! It must be awful to be so poor! Kiss me, Harr
y. I am your wife, remember, and you have been very cruel to me!

  In the darkness, Harry closed his eyes. All he had to do was think of Connie, his love, his beloved, for his body to swell with aching longing and tender yearning passion. He knew that; but he refused to soil his precious memories of her by using them to enable him to fulfil his marriage vows to Rosa.

  Nevertheless, he had to perform his marital duty …

  FOURTEEN

  The May sunshine might be sharp and bright, but the wind was still cold, Connie decided, as she stood patiently trying not to shiver in the flimsy dress, which despite Mavis’s mother’s skill was still overgenerous on her.

  But then, the knowledge that she would be seeing Harry had stolen her appetite, and with a full two weeks to worry about that meeting – both during her working hours and those in which she should have been sleeping – Connie knew that she had gone from slender to almost pinch-faced and thin.

  She had surreptitiously pulled the ribbons that tied the dress a little bit tighter to mask its looseness, reassuring herself that no one was likely to pay close attention to her since it was Mavis who was the bride.

  There had been a rush of weddings on these last few weeks, the Vicar had informed them, and of course everyone knew why. Patriotic young men were determined to enlist and serve their country; and equally patriotic young women were determined to show their support for their sweethearts by pledging themselves to them.

  After a simple wedding breakfast at the New Brighton house, Mavis and Frank were going to spend a few precious days together in the Lake District.

  ‘I try not to let myself fear that they might be all that I have of him,’ Mavis had confided emotionally to Connie last night.

  But at least Mavis would have something of Frank. Something with him, whilst Connie would never … Could never, have anything of Harry.

  It had hurt so much seeing him walk into the New Brighton house not ten minutes ago, so dearly familiar, and yet a heart-stoppingly handsome stranger in his khaki uniform.

  He was holding himself differently, Connie had noticed immediately with a jealous lover’s eyes; standing taller and prouder, and watching first Sophie and then Mavis run to him to be gathered up in his arms, she had ached so badly to do the same. Only the kiss she wanted to press against his newly-shaven skin was not the chaste one of a sister, but the fiercely passionate one of a woman who loved him.

  ‘Where is Rosa? Sophie demanded excitedly, whilst Connie tensed. This was the moment she had been dreading, when she must look into the face of Harry’s wife and try to smile at her as though she felt no envy of her.

  ‘Unfortunately, she was not able to be here. She sends her apologies and her regrets.

  Oh, Harry, is she not well?’ Mavis enquired with immediate concern.

  ‘I had not realised it, but she was already promised to her cousin Phyllis, and felt she could not cancel her visit since Phyllis was so looking forward to it,’ Harry answered her calmly.

  Inside though he was feeling far from calm. Rosa had made it plain that she was not finished punishing him, and the look in her eyes had been spiteful as well as triumphant when she had told him that she intended to visit her cousin rather than accompany him to his sister’s wedding. In truth, he was glad to be relieved of Rosa’s presence for his own sake, as well as lest she mar the occasion for Mavis in some way.

  As yet he had not allowed his hungry senses to feed on Connie’s silent, almost wraith-like presence, but he was aware of her with every single fibre of his heart and body and soul.

  ‘Oh how noble that is of her, isn’t it, Connie?’ Sophie breathed on a small sigh. ‘I am sure I could not have endured to give up so much as an hour of Harry’s company, when this is the first time she has seen him since he enlisted.’

  Connie froze as she was drawn into the conversation, acutely aware that not just Sophie, but Harry, too, was looking at her.

  ‘We are at war, Sophie,’ she managed to say. ‘And we are all of us called upon to make sacrifices.’

  How stuffy and stiff she sounded, more like Matron than herself, but how could she be herself in such close proximity to Harry.

  ‘Connie, is quite right, Sophie.’

  Even his voice had changed, become sterner, harder. Connie tensed as Harry took a step toward her, unable to help looking fully into his face. Her breath seemed to catch in her throat, and a bittersweet longing filled her. She stepped forward, and Harry held out his hand to her.

  ‘You have lost weight, Connie. I hope you are not working too hard.

  ‘She is Sister Pride now, you know, Harry, Mavis broke in.

  Silently they looked at one another. There was such a look of helpless yearning in his gaze that it dizzied her, or was it her own emotion that was deluding her and making her imagine it?

  She could barely bring herself to look at him in case she gave herself away, and several minutes later whilst he hungrily devoured the breakfast his mother had made for him, Connie was not so much as able to pour him a cup of tea for fear of her hands shaking too badly.

  ‘Connie, I’m so nervous. Do I look all right …? Is my veil straight … Mother? Sophie? ‘Oh, my darling girl …

  Connie felt her own eyes mist with tears as Elsie Lawson hugged Mavis. ‘You look so beautiful. And it was true, Mavis did look beautiful, Connie acknowledged, as she carefully gathered up the veil and instructed Sophie to open the bedroom door.

  She had known that Harry would be waiting in the hallway for his sister, and she had sworn a vow that she would not so much as look at him. But when she looked down, the gloss of his shoes gleamed so much that Connie could see his reflection in them. Helplessly, she allowed her gaze to sweep upwards.

  Connie was too thin; too strained; too fragile; and he wanted to pick her up and ask her what on earth she had done to herself, Harry recognised. But of course he had no right to do any such thing. He was a married man and anyway Connie had already told him she had no use, or desire, for his protection or his love. And yet as he looked at her, Harry could see such pain in her eyes that it was all he could do to stop himself demanding to know what had caused it, and swearing to her that he would banish it.

  ‘If only your father might have lived to see you both.’

  His mother’s emotional words broke into his private thoughts and brought him sharply back to reality.

  ‘I think that he probably can, Mama,’ Sophie was whispering softly. When I was poorly I often felt him near to me …’

  For a moment they all fell silent. Unable to stop himself, Harry looked at Connie, but she had turned her head away from him.

  Sophie meant no harm, and had no awareness of how bitterly painful the memories her innocent remark had stirred were, at least for her, Connie acknowledged. She saw Harry turning toward her, and quickly looked away.

  Was he looking at her because he wanted her to see in his eyes his relief that she had ignored his advances? Because he wanted her to be aware of the happiness he had found with another?

  A loud knock on the door broke into the sharp silence of the moment, causing Mavis’s mother to exclaim, and hurry downstairs to admit the neighbour who had offered to sit with Great Aunt Martha for the duration of the ceremony. The elderly lady was now in her eighty-seventh year and virtually bedridden, although still very much a demanding martinet with a sharp mind, and an even sharper tongue.

  ‘I hate the way Great Aunt Martha is so mean to Mama, Sophie had burst out only the previous evening. ‘I heard her telling Mother last week that when she dies we shall have to move out since she has left this house and everything in it to a charity.

  ‘It is her right to do as she wishes with her money, Sophie, Mavis had chided her sister gently, before adding warmly, ‘Frank has already said that you and Mother will always be welcome under his roof.

  With nearly as many horses as men recruited for the war effort, and transport difficult to come by – even those with motor cars had been urged to either donate them for us
e where needed, or to use them as little as possible – they had decided to walk the small distance to the church. A small crowd had gathered to wish Mavis good luck, the children throwing flowers in front of her as she clung to Harry’s arm.

  The elegant little square in front of the church had already lost the railings to its garden and house, Connie noticed, gone no doubt to be melted down to provide much-needed raw material for new munitions.

  As they reached the church, Harry hoped that the message he had sent saying that he would pay for the organist, the choir, and for the bells to be rung after the ceremony, had reached the Vicar, since his mother had informed him sadly that these were luxuries Mavis had felt unable to afford.

  If anyone deserved a decent wedding then it was his sister, Harry reflected. For no one gave more to others than Mavis – unless it was Connie who had risked her own life to nurse his sister Sophie.

  Connie almost missed a step as the church doors were thrown open and the organist began to play. Mavis had warned her that there would be no music and, as Harry urged his sister forward Connie couldn’t help looking toward his proudly straight back, guessing that he was the one who was responsible for the soaring resonance and dignity of the traditional music.

  Frank’s Best Man was a fellow police officer and Connie could see the brass buttons on their uniforms glinting in the darkness of the church, as they turned to watch their progress up the aisle. It touched Connie’s heart to see Frank surreptitiously wipe away a tear as he gazed at his wife-to-be.

  She could feel Mavis’s hand tremble as she stood in front of the Vicar, and turned to hand Connie the bouquet, that had been part of her own wedding gift to her friend.

  The last wedding Connie had attended had been Josie’s and before that the marriage of her sister Ellie to her first husband.