Connie’s Courage Page 18

  Surely only by winning this fearsome War could their deaths be vindicated, and he himself might find some kind of peace, even if it was only in death, he acknowledged bitterly. And if the Army would take this wretched-looking man then surely they would take him, weak chest and all?

  That his marriage was an empty sham, he had already known and would have endured, but the knowledge of how easily he might have reached out and physically restrained Rosa, had shocked him. He felt as though he had turned a corner, and seen in a mirror an image of himself he could not recognise, and he had not liked what he had seen.

  Was it true that violence begat violence? Surely man had control over his own reactions, if not his own destiny, and could choose how he might, or might not, react to whatever came his way? It withered something of himself deep inside to know that he could not trust himself always to deal gently with Rosa. An unfamiliar sense of reckless passion filled him.

  Since he could not live the life he had wished to live, since he could not be with the one woman he loved and would always love, what point was his life to him in reality? Surely it was far better for him to use it in the service of his King and Country, than to waste it in an empty marriage and on an unrequited love?

  A savage purposeful determination filled him, and he nodded his head brusquely in Ernie’s direction, and fell into step with the other man.

  THIRTEEN

  ‘Sister Pride!’

  Connie was still not quite used to her new title, and mindful of the danger of too much pride, she had warned herself to remember that her elevation to the rank of Sister probably owed more to the War than her own merit. Even so … to be thus addressed gave her a warm glow of achievement, despite her constant exhaustion. She paused on her way through the tunnel that linked the main entrance of the hospital to the nurses home, as she heard her name called out by a fellow Sister.

  ‘If you are on your way for dinner, let me warn you that Cook is obviously not in the best of moods. It is cold mutton again and tapioca pudding!

  ‘Ah, but at least it will be served on Derby china, Connie riposted, repeating a joke made by one of the soldiers about the fact that they were served their meals on china bearing the stamp of the Western Derby Union.

  ‘Oh, these Tommies.’ Her colleague grimaced. ‘Have you heard the latest?’

  Connie shifted her weight tiredly from one slender leg to another.

  ‘Well, you know Sister Biddy. It seems like one of the patients was playing up like, and threatening to jump out of the window, you know how some of them get! No one could quiet him down, not even Dr Stead, and then calm as you like, Sister Biddy told him to get on with it but to give her his dressing gown before he did, because she wasn’t going to have a good dressing gown wasted! Calmed him down a treat it did.’

  Connie was still listening to her when she saw Mavis hurrying past, her head down and in obvious distress. Quickly excusing herself, she hurried after her friend, touching her on her arm as she caught up with her, demanding, ‘Mavis, what is it, what’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Mavis told her, and then shook her head. ‘Oh, Connie I can’t lie to you.’ Pain darkened her eyes as she lifted a strained, white face toward Connie. ‘I know it is wrong of me to feel like this,’ she paused, and bit her lip, whilst Connie guessed what she was about to say.

  ‘Frank has decided to enlist,’ Connie guessed.

  Mavis nodded her head. ‘And it is not just Frank.’ Tears filled her eyes. ‘Harry has already enlisted,’ Mavis continued shakily.

  ‘No. That’s not possible,’ Connie denied flatly, whilst her heart raced in a frantic despairing anguish that told her far more about her true feelings than she felt she could bear to know. ‘He’s a married man and … and there is his chest, his medical history. Her voice tailed away as Mavis bit her lip and struggled with her tears.

  ‘It is true, Connie. He has offered himself for enlistment and been accepted. He told Mother that he felt it was his duty. I know how very much upset he has been by the loss of so many of the school’s former students.

  Connie couldn’t say anything. Her throat felt not just raw with pain but as though it was lined with broken glass, so that every breath she tried to take savaged her. How could Harry have stolen so quietly and unknowingly into her heart, and lodged himself there so deeply, without her realising it until it had been too late?

  ‘Poor Rosa is distraught, according to my mother.

  A different, sharper pang of emotion bit into Connie’s heart at the mention of Harry’s wife. ‘There will be a good many wives who will share that emotion if the Government has its way, and married men are called up for active duty, she reminded Mavis.

  ‘It is a little different for Rosa, Connie, Mavis’s voice was almost sharp now. ‘Naturally she will have assumed that Harry would never be accepted for enlistment because of the weakness to his chest, and she will have had no time to prepare herself for such an eventuality. Besides, she is not like you.

  Rosa is so very sensitive, and … and fragile. Harry is her whole world. He is everything to her and she is devoted to him, and dependent upon him …

  Not like her! Connie tried not to show how much Mavis’s words had hurt her, and not to show either how very envious she felt of Rosa. Wasn’t it enough that Rosa had Harry’s love, without her having Mavis’s support and protection as well? Mavis was supposed to be her friend, but of course, Rosa was now family, and as such she would be more important to Mavis than Connie ever could be!

  Resentfully Connie started to turn away, but then Mavis’s voice altered and she added quietly, ‘Frank wants us to be married as soon as it can be arranged.

  There was a note in her voice that broke through Connie’s resentment and touched her heart on behalf of her friend, arousing both her understanding and her sympathy.

  ‘So when is the wedding to be? she asked, trying to make light of things.

  Mavis shook her head, fresh tears welling in her eyes. ‘It isn’t as simple as that, Connie, she protested in anguish. ‘And you know it. There is nothing I want more than to marry Frank, especially now. But how can I when –‘

  ‘How can you not!’ Connie stopped her firmly, taking hold of her arm and almost dragging her into the privacy of a nearby linen cupboard. She then closed and locked the door.

  ‘Connie, you can’t do this,’ Mavis objected worriedly. ‘We both have work to do and we shall be missed!’

  Connie shook her head. ‘This is more important than anything else, Mavis. Tell me why you can’t marry Frank? Have you stopped loving him, is that it?’ she demanded, even though she already knew the answer.

  As Connie had known she would, Mavis protested immediately, ‘No, of course not!’

  ‘So you still love him, but you are afraid that he might come back from this War injured, and that you will have to spend the rest of your life taking care of him like Josie with her Ted?’

  ‘Connie, how can you suggest such a thing? Of course, it isn’t that.’

  Connie looked at her. She had known that Mavis’s insistence that she could not marry Frank was for neither of those reasons.

  ‘So then, what is it?’ Connie asked her gently. Mavis was obviously trying hard not to break down completely.

  ‘If we get married then I shall have to leave the hospital, you know that, Connie. And we both know how desperately short of trained nurses every hospital is, and how desperately our skills are needed. It is all very well for Frank to speak of his duty and to expect me to understand, but what about my duty? There is nothing I want more than to be his wife,’ Mavis declared fervently, ‘especially now, and knowing that …’

  Unable to go on, she placed a hand to her mouth to steady her trembling lips.

  ‘Is it selfish of me, Connie, I know, to feel that I would bear what has to be borne much more easily if I was playing my own part, here in the hospital instead of sitting at home fearing and waiting?’

  ‘Of course, it isn’t,’ Connie assured her robust
ly, quickly adding, ‘but there is no reason why you should not marry Frank and continue to nurse here, Mavis. In fact, I should say that it was your duty, twice over, to do so – firstly, it is your duty to give Frank the comfort of wifely love before he goes to war, and secondly, it is your duty to nurse those poor soldiers who come here to us for our care.’

  ‘Connie, you know I cannot do that,’ Mavis wept, shaking her head. ‘The Infirmary has a rule that once a nurse marries she has to leave.’

  ‘Maybe so, but rules are made to be bent occasionally,’ Connie stopped her quietly. ‘Oh, I know officially we cannot continue to nurse once we marry, but Mavis, believe me, you will not be the first, nor the only nurse here to do so.’

  ‘Connie, if that’s true …’

  ‘It is,’ Connie assured her firmly, and then crossed her fingers behind her back, as she added with more optimistic fiction than true fact, ‘you may be sure that Matron is aware of what is happening and is turning a blind eye to it, just so long as the nurse concerned is discreet. Heavens, I could name you at least a dozen nurses I know of myself who are wearing their wedding rings on a chain around their neck, and pretending that they are no more than merely engaged! Mavis, you cannot let Frank go to war without giving him the blessing of your love. Don’t spend your life wishing for what you cannot have, Connie wanted to tell her, but instead she simply said starkly, ‘Don’t risk creating any unnecessary regrets for yourself, Mavis.

  ‘You are right,’ Mavis agreed. A watery smile banished her tears. ‘Connie, you are so good for me. And so close to me. It will have to be a quiet ceremony but I want you to be my bridesmaid, you will, won’t you?

  ‘Of course,’ Connie assured her emotionally.

  ‘Everything is arranged for the wedding, Connie. Mavis was speaking in a hushed whisper, as she and Connie snatched a few minutes together between shifts.

  ‘Sophie, as you might guess, is madly excited. Mavis gave a small, painful sigh. ‘She still sees war as something romantic and chivalrous and she does not realise just what its realities are … She is insisting on wearing the bridesmaid’s dress she had for Harry’s wedding, and Mother says she thinks she can alter my own to fit you, although of course she will have to take it in, since you are so much more slender than me.

  ‘I am to wear Mother’s own wedding dress, and Harry has been promised leave from his barracks so that he can give me away. He has written Mother to say that he does not expect to be sent to France until June, and that is weeks away yet.’

  Connie stiffened in shock. Knowing that Harry had joined up, she had assumed that he would not be able to attend the wedding. Why on earth hadn’t she anticipated this and guessed that Harry would apply for leave? And of course, she reflected bitterly, leave wouldn’t just enable him to give Mavis away, it would enable him to see his wife!

  Wretchedly Connie recognised that it was impossible for her to say that she had changed her mind and would not be Mavis’s bridesmaid, without either hurting her friend or arousing her suspicions.

  And not only would she have to see Harry, she would have to see his wife as well. Connie could feel the pain tightening its grip on her heart. She would have, in fact, to see them together and be forced to witness their happiness.

  ‘It will not be a grand affair like Harry’s marriage to Rosa – we do not have either the time, or the money for anything like that! I am so looking forward to you meeting Rosa, Connie. You will love her just as we do I know, for she is the sweetest girl.’

  Fresh pain tore at Connie’s heart. Quickly she dipped her head so that Mavis couldn’t see her expression. She didn’t know who she hated the more, Harry for stealing her heart, or herself for not being strong enough to stop him.

  Despite all her attempts not to do, Connie had wasted more tears than she could count in the folly of wondering what would have happened if she had responded to Harry’s declaration to her. No matter how hardily she had reminded herself that he would not have remained constant, a part of her still daydreamed foolishly of what might have been. It was so hard to make herself sound normal whenever Mavis spoke about him, and not to give away what she was truly thinking.

  ‘I am so glad you made me see sense, Connie, she could hear Mavis confessing. ‘I could not have endured to let Frank go to war without … When we haven’t … Mavis broke off and blushed self-consciously, but Connie knew what Mavis was too uncomfortable to say. She didn’t want Frank to go to war before they had been man and wife. Before they had known one another completely and truly as lovers.

  Because of course Mavis, being the old-fashioned sort of girl she was, would not have allowed Frank to step over the mark with her. That was the kind of girl Harry’s wife Rosa would have been, Connie reflected bitterly, as pain twisted her heart, and she admitted how much she wished she might too, have been that kind of girl – for Harry! How could he really have loved her knowing what he did about her? He couldn’t and she was far better off remembering that Connie told herself grimly, than dreaming foolish hurting pointless empty dreams.

  ‘Connie, I am so afraid for Frank and Harry! Mavis suddenly burst out in anguish. ‘I know that is cowardly and selfish of me, but seeing what we do here …’ She shook her head in despair. ‘Sophie, of course, is desperately proud to have a brother who is a volunteer, and talks of nothing else. She still doesn’t realise …’ Mavis looked at Connie, and said helplessly, ‘I have not said too much at home about what we see for fear of alarming them. Mother has enough to bear as it is, and Sophie just wouldn’t understand, for all that she says she wants to be a nurse.’

  Silently they looked at one another. The full horrors of war and what it did to the men who engaged in it were no secret from them.

  ‘They’ve given you a forty-eight hour-er? By, but you’re a lucky sod, Harry,’ Ernie commented without malice.

  He had attached himself to Harry after their discovery that they were to be in the same regiment, not one of the new ones being formed, but instead a Lancashire regiment whose men had already seen service, and were held in high regard. An unlikely friendship had developed between the two of them.

  ‘A damned lucky sod, that’s what. And blow me if I don’t think that’s what we should call you from now on. Not ‘Arry but Lucky!’

  Harry smiled good-naturedly, and didn’t argue. He suspected that his forty-eight hour leave had more to do with the fact that someone had got word that his sister was marrying an enlisting man, than anything else. And as for him being lucky in any other way! Unlike Ernie, and some of the others, Harry didn’t discuss his personal life with his comrades, but he knew that if he did, lucky was the last thing they were likely to think him.

  His decision to enlist had led to a bitter quarrel, followed by Rosa refusing to speak to him for three days, and then announcing challengingly that she intended to go and stay with her cousin, Phyllis.

  Harry hadn’t felt able to prevent her, even though he considered that the other woman was not the best of companions for someone of Rosa’s temperament. It was rare for him to dislike anybody, but he had disliked Phyllis, and he had disliked her brother Gerald even more.

  ‘Well, I never thought I’d see Rosa married to a teacher, much less a chap with a weak chest! Gerald had smirked as he had spoken to Harry, as though he felt that he had one up on him in some way. ‘You’ll have to be careful Rosa doesn’t wear you out, he had added, in what Harry had considered to be an overfamiliar manner. And then Rosa herself had come over, flinging herself into Gerald’s arms and kissing him, enthusiastically.

  ‘Cousin’s privilege, old chap, Gerald had told Harry, but Harry had seen the triumphant gleam in his eyes, and guessed that he had enjoyed Rosa’s attention, and the way she had flirted openly with him.

  Rosa though would hear no word against her maternal cousins, championing them at every turn, especially Gerald, who, as she frequently reminded Harry when she was in one of her rages, was everything that Harry himself was not.

  Privately Harry thoug
ht that Gerald was the worst sort of fellow: the sort who boasted openly whilst in male company about his female conquests, and who, so far as Harry could ascertain, lived the life of a well-to-do young swell without appearing to have any legitimate means of earning a decent living.

  If there was a race on, a bet to be placed, a risk to be taken, then Gerald, as he liked to tell others, was their man. He had a habit of rubbing the side of his nose and winking, whenever anyone asked him how he always seemed to have money to burn, and Harry suspected that he did not always come by it entirely honestly.

  Needless to say Gerald had not enlisted.

  ‘Because he is a married man and, unlike you Harry, his first concern is for his wife,’ Rosa had told him angrily.

  Harry had had to bite on his tongue not to retort that, if that was the case, then how did she explain Gerald’s numerous ‘lady friends’ and the exploits of which he freely boasted when amongst other men.

  Gerald and his fiancee had married a few weeks after their own wedding. The bride was a thin, plain, awkward-looking young woman, and Harry had seen her blush a painful bright red when she had overheard Rosa criticising her to Phyllis.

  ‘That was unkind of you, Rosa, he had told her quietly later, but Rosa had simply shrugged mutinously, and answered that it was not her fault that Beth was so plain and had no taste.

  ‘Gerald has only married her for her money. Everyone knows that!

  ‘If that is true, then you are certainly doing your cousin a disservice by saying so, Harry had answered her sharply, with distaste. ‘It would be kinder of you to show her some compassion, Rosa, for the poor girl certainly needs a friend.

  ‘Well, she need not look for one in me! She is dull and plain and I much prefer Gerald – who is my cousin after all!

  It was no secret in the barracks that they were being trained in preparation for some big offensive against the Germans, and that the Government wanted as many men to enlist as possible. Ypres had inflicted heavy and damaging losses on the British Army in terms of both manpower and pride, and the Government was determined to make the Germans pay for those losses!